I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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