I showed him my bush... on skype.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
