She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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