note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
