u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
