Apparently you make a good broom.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
