Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
