More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
