dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
