If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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