I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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