got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
