i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Every concussion has its silver lining
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
