dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
