fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
