I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
