Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
