I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
