Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
