u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
