you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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