Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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