I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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