watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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