My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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