we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He felt like a one man threesome
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
