insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
