So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
