We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
