If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
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