Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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