saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
