Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
