paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
