Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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