Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
