I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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