are you still at the devil's house?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
