i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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