I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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