i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
