Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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