I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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