it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
