my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
