u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Your cock deserves a montage
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
