I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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