i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
