hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
