That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
