i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
